Back to your own self
by Irish-coffee
Summary: A missing scene from 'Conversion' and the sequel too... 'She felt dizzy, and soon enough, the only thing she could see were flashing dots dancing in front of her eyes. The lack of oxygen was killing her. John, was killing her.' Rated T for safety Chapter 3 updated
1. Back to your own self

_This is a scene I SO wanted to see in 'Conversion'... I hope you'll like it..._

**_'Back to your own self'_**

_She was pinned to the wall. Her back hurt as the patterns of the wall were painfully thrusting their way into her sensitive flesh, barely restrained by the fabric of her shirt burning her skin. John's mutant hand on her throat prevented oxygen from making it to her lungs. She was no surgeon, but she knew she would soon suffocate, faint, and even possibly die if she couldn't find a way to make John release his hold, be it for a few seconds. There was nothing left of her friend now. His eyes had turned into two snake-like slits, and his gaze on her made her shudder. She placed a hand on his, still strongly squeezing her throat, in a vain attempt to make him loosen his grip on her. She felt his reptilian skin under her fingers and nearly passed out._

_She felt dizzy, and soon enough, the only thing she could see were flashing dots dancing in front of her eyes. The lack of oxygen was killing her. John, was killing her. _

_The wave of fury raging within him sought death, death, pain and blood. However, seing Elizabeth choke in his claws didn't bring him any kind of relief or insane delight. And as he saw her agape, still, in front of him, sensing her life slowly leaving her, he didn't feel like killing her. He felt her pulse slow down under his thumb – or what was left of it – and he suddenly let go of her.  
Weir abruptly felt her legs give way beneath her and air froze her lungs back to normal. She fought to breath normally, panting and coughing as __John supported her, pinning her roughly back to the wall, grinding his hips to hers. This felt better than killing her. Yes, there was something the human being resting somewhere deep inside of him wanted the iratus bug to do. _

_Once Elizabeth felt better, she allowed her gaze to meet her mutant friend's. Of course she was frightened, but she wasn't the only one. The beast holding her was terrified. John, she suddenly realised, was terrified. He was fighting against the monster growing inside of him. _

_Seconds went ticking, and each one of them brought confidence to Elizabeth as she saw John surface. He took her head in his hand violently, pulling her face to his and ruffling her hair with his grey hands and took her lips, fiercly, as if driven by despair. She felt his hard and cold lips against hers, and somehow, she didn't reject him. First because she couldn't, as she certainly couldn't get herself out of his brutal embrace without getting seriously injured or killed, but also because it didn't repel her as much as kissing a wraith should have. She was weak, vulnerable, and yet, she felt strangely aroused by the whole situation. John would not have behaved that way if he had been himself. He would never have done the first move towards her. The dark side of Elizabeth Weir was turned on in anticipation, and so she relaxed in his grip, and responded to his kiss, opening her lips to let his tongue meet hers in a violent yet passionate kiss. _

_One of his hand made its way under her shirt, and carressed her belly, sending a shiver through her spine. His hand was callous, and it felt like being attacked by a snake, which she wasn't fond of actually. _

_Feeling her suddenly freeze, John broke the kiss and stepped back, leaving enough space to enable her to run away. He wouldn't go after her, or things would get out of control. _

_She moaned, her eyes still closed, already missing his touch, and he groaned. Seing her so exposed to him was driving him crazy, but he shouldn't cave in, he had to be strong and fight whatever monster had taken control of him. _

_« Elizabeth... »_

_She opened her eyes and understood his desperate need for her to go away, fast. She nodded, tears threatening to show up, and left his room precipitately. _

She woke up panting. The moon was still high in the sky over Atlantis, and she already knew she wouldn't get back to sleep. It wasn't the first time she had been dreaming of it. Every night since it had happened, it had kept on haunting her. A short week had passed since John had morphed back to his human form, thanks to Carson's new treatment, and John and her hadn't talked about what had happened in his room. Truth be told, John had insisted on getting back off-world the day after he had been released from the infirmary, and she hadn't seen any point why she would have argued against it. And so for an entire week, they had avoided each other.

The screen of her alarm-clock indicated 2am. She jumped out of bed, wrapped herself in a blanket and left her room. The corridors were silent, except for the few hushed tones of the soldiers playing their monthly pay at poker here and there, or simply dozzing off in a corner.

Two of them greeted her with a respectful nod, now used to her night wandering, and got back to their discussion.

When she finally reached her balcony, she saw she wasn't the only night bird needing some place to think. A dark shape was already leaning on the handrail, staring at the waves.

When the doors opened, he turned to face her, startled.

'Hey. Nightmares ?'  
She nodded.

'Something like that yes. How are you doing ?'

He shrugged and leaned back on the handrail next to her, avoiding her gaze.

'I guess I can't complain. I'm fine for someone who nearly turned into some kind of giant bug. But what about you ? You look shaken.'

She lowered her head and remained silent for a moment. He wondered if he should tell her something, or just put a hand on her shoulder to bring her some support, but she soon talked again.  
'What's your life like on Earth ?' She asked.

He stared at her. He didn't know why she was asking, but she clearly needed to talk, and sharing his personal life with her didn't bother him.

'My life is a mess back there. Nobody is missing me. And you Liz ?'  
Her face lit up as she heard him whisper her nickname. Then, thinking about the question, her smile faded out.

'My fiancé left me. The only one who's waiting for me back there is my dog, Sedje. My mother is taking care of him.'  
She felt John's soft hand take hers. It felt so different from the last time he had touched her. This felt so right !  
'I'm sorry.' He said.  
'Don't be. What I mean is...' She hesitated, not knowing how to put it into words. 'Well, I guess my family is our team now. You're all I fear to lose. That's why I was so scared when you began to turn into this... Thing. I felt strange feelings. Part of me was sure you would never be the same and I would lose you, and on the other hand, I just couldn't let this thought sink in. And then...'  
Her voice choked in her throat as she understood she had nearly talked about the 'incident'. She gritted her teeth and lowered her head to avoid his gaze.

'This wasn't me...' He whispered as if reading her mind.

'I know' she nodded.  
'There was this... anger inside of me, shouting for blood, pain, death... It needed to kill, and I tried so hard not to let it hurt anyone.' His tone was stressed, remorseful and she could hear he was foaming.

She brushed her cheek against his hand, trying to soothe his pain.

'You didn't kill anybody, and nobody was injured by you. You were strong John.'

He stepped back, afraid his hand would try to choke her again. She sensed his fear and smiled at him, moved by his protectiveness.

'You didn't hurt me.' She stated.

'I tried to kill you !'  
She could see pain and remorse in his eyes, and it was good to see his human eyes.

'No John, you tried to protect me. You were fighting against the virus, I saw it, you didn't want to kill me, you stopped the wraith inside of you before he could kill me. You struggled hard...'

A tear rolled down on his cheek. She was right. It had felt as if there were two sides of him fighting for control. One wanted Elizabeth to die in his arms, the other wanted to let her go away from him as fast as she could. And then, the monster decided to spare her, rapping her instead, enjoying the sense of vulnerability she had shown him. John had wanted that too...  
'How will you ever be able to trust me again ?' He asked, sure she would never trust him after what he had intended to do.

To his surprise, she closed the distance between them and collapsed against his chest, her arms resting around his neck, her head buried in his shirt. She trusted him, she had never ceased to.

Slowly, he closed his arms on her, stroking her back, then her hair, discovering her once again, for the first time as John Sheppard, and not as an Iratus bug.

He let his hand wander in her neck, at ther exact spot where it had been when he had thought he would see her die, and he felt her fingers, light as butterflies, slowly grazing the scar the bug had left on his neck when it had sucked life out of him.

'I was so scared to kill you...'

He rested his chin on the top of her head.

This embrace felt right. He felt right. Beckett was affirmative when he said he was one hundred percent John Sheppard after all.

They stayed that way a long time, Elizabeth breathing slowly, warm in her blanket and comfortably nested in his arms, and John, smelling her hair, looking at the reflection of the moon on the ocean. The pale light was soothing their pain.

The morning sun found their body entwined on the floor, fully clothed, wrapped in the fleece blanket. Awoken by a crying seabird, John felt a light weight resting on his chest and found his friend still sleeping. Her face was quiet, more than he had seen her in a good while, and he felt a surge of fear at the sight of her, once again so vulnerable. It didn't turn him on, and he calmed down. He wouldn't take advantage of the situation. He wasn't that monster enjoying the power he had over Elizabeth. Instead, he kissed her temple, his lips light as a feather and soft as cotton, and woke her up whispering to her ear.

'Hey, sleeping beauty. Time for breakfast.'

She groaned and clenched to his body, now fully awake but wanting to stay where she was forever, with this man she trusted with all the fibers of her being, so she ignored him. He chuckled and flipped them over, having her underneath him on her back, her face inches away from his.

She shivered in anticipation, but she didn't open her eyes, wondering what he would do next. Was he about to kiss her ?

Grinning like a Cheshire cat at seing her so trusting, he tickled her side and her eyes fluttered open, dumbfounded, and she burst out laughing, trying to escape. When finnaly he stopped teasing her, they raised to their feet, facing each other.

John grinned, satisfied with his trick, enjoying the sight of Elizabeth Weir, so childish. Her hair was a mess, she was panting hard and still chuckling, her arms around her to protect her body from being tickled and when she found him staring at her, she flushed.

'I'm glad to see you're back to your own self.' She uttered precipitately with a loving smile and with that, she turned on her heels and quickly went inside.

He burst out laughing again, staring at her back as she headed to her office.

'It's good to be back' He sang to himself.


	2. Insomnia

**Here is the second chapter :D Let me know what you think of it... I'll update a last chapter later :) **  
**Enjoy !** ** Sparky rules !**

"Just give me a plaster, I'll be fine doc".

John jumped to his feet and had to lean on the bed as the world spun around.

"Easy big boy, you need to rest now. If you feel nauseous, come back okay ?"

John nodded and Carson put a plaster on his arm.

"Here you go."

John was about to leave the infirmary when he bumped into an agitated Elizabeth. He caught her by her shoulders and stared at her. He frowned. She didn't look fine at all.

"Oh I'm sorry I... Didn't pay attention." She muttered, bemused. Then she quickly regained composure. "What are you doing here ?" She enquired.

"Nothing really, just a booster shot. I prefer doing it before going to bed, so that I don't have to take a day off. I always feel rather sick after those things. What 'bout you ?"

"I need to see Carson".

Beckett appeared behind John as she spoke.

"What is it 'Lizbeth ?" He asked.

"Those pills you gave me have no effect on me."

John's gaze went from Elizabeth to Carson, then back. The doctor sighed.

"What you need is not some pill, you need a good night of sleep."

"But !" Carson cut her off.

"No 'Lizbeth, I won't give you any thing to help. Just relax, go to bed early, and you'll see you don't need to take anything okay ?".

She gritted her teeth and nodded, frankly irritated. She rushed out of the infirmary without a glance back at the two men who looked at each other and shrugged.

"What's the matter with her ?" John asked, thinking about how awkward and distressed she had been looking since the night they had spent on the balcony.

Carson sighed. "She suffers from insomnia. And there's nothing I can do to help her I'm afraid."

John pouted. There was no wonder Elizabeth was encountering trouble sleeping. "She's the most important woman in the known-world" He thought aloud, suddenly feeling his throat dry when the doctor stared at him with a knowing smile. "This comes with some night-troubling responsabilities" he went on. "But this" he pointed to the door where Elizabeth had disappeared. "Is worse than usual." He gritted his teeth, his heart aching at the thought his friend was in such a pain.

Beckett nodded. "I agree. But there's nothing science can do. However, a friend could do wonders on her."

They stared at each other, and John felt the weight of the task fall on his shoulders. He made his way decidedly to the door and heard Beckett shout to his back : "Don't let her take those damn pills Sheppard !"

He smiled. He had never heard his scottish friend swear.

He had thought about running after her, but as he didn't know which way she had gone, he gave up the idea, and instead selected the three places he could certainly find her at this hour of the night. It was only 11pm, that eliminated her quarters. It left her office, the mess hall, and the balcony. And as the three were close, he could easily check out the three in a few minutes. He broke into a run; he didn't know why, but as he considered his mission as the most important he had ever been in charge of, he certainly didn't want to mess up with this for being slow.

Her office was empty, the lights were out, the files neatly piled on a corner. It left the balcony, where he could see the lights were also out, but he could sense her somewhere in the dark, letting herself go while listening to the ocean.

There she was. The wind was gently brushing her hair, revealing her cheeks to the pale light of the moon. John felt they were back on their last -and actually first- night together, exactly where he stood.

"Are you okay ?"

She didn't turn round, and for a moment, he thought she hadn't heard him. So he stood there, admiring her back until his gaze found her shoulders, the shoulders he loved so much, the shoulders that were so symbolical of her power.

"Are you here to make sure I won't take any pill ? How are you going to do so ? Breaking into my quarters to throw all my pills away ?"

She sounded tired, and he came closer, so close his hand found its way to her back, and she leaned into his touch.

"Only if I have to..." He smiled.

"You know this won't happen, don't you ?" Her gaze finally came to meet his, and for a moment, he doubted if she was talking about them or the pills or... What was she trying to tell him for God's sake ?!

He took a chance "Are you afraid of what might happen if I entered your room Liz ?" He asked playfully. He felt her back tense back and immediately cursed himself for being... Well, himself.

He cleared his throat.

"I'm here to help you Elizabeth. You need to relax, it won't do any harm to the city if you learn to relax you know."  
A shadow passed in her green eyes, but he couldn't understand it. So instead, he just smiled fondly at her.

"I could teach you my method to sleep well. It always works on me"

She suddenly seemed much more interested than she had been since the beginning of their chat.

"What is it ?"

He leaned his back on the handrail and looked right into her eyes.

"Do you trust me ?" He seriously asked.

For the first time in the whole night, he saw her smile, faintly, but smile nonetheless. And she patted his hand.

"Of course I do."

He nodded knowingly.

"So meet me in the gateroom in warm pajamas in..." He glanced at his watch "twenty minutes".

She raised an eyebrow but seeing him so self-confident, she just squeezed his hand and followed him back in, dead on her feet.

**So ? What is John's solution to sleep well ? Be creative in your reviews... It has been nearly three weeks since I haven't slept correctly... Any idea for me ? ^^'**


	3. The cure

**Here is the last chapter of this story... I hope you'll enjoy it ! Let me know what you think ! Thanks for your reviews ! You keep me writing**

She got back to the gateroom in her pajamas, as John had asked her. She was looking forward to sleeping in his company. The last time they hade done so, on the balcony, she had slept just fine, better than she had ever had for months. She sat down on the stairs leading to the control room, her hands linked on her knees, waiting for John.

'No fluffy pajamas with little stars on it ?'

She looked up and smile as she saw John in his panda-bear shirt.

She was dressed in a long-sleeved shirt, white with green stripes, and white sweetpants, and she had tied her hair up in a ponytail.

'I've got none of those, but remind me to ask one to Santa.'

He chuckled and helped her to her feet. She took his hand with a smile and yawned. John gazed at her. She was barely standing on her feet, and she looked pale, so pale he wondered if she wasn't going to faint before he could make her fall asleep. He squeezed her cold hand and she blinked.

'So ? Where are you leading me ?' She asked, rubbing her eyes with her free hand.

'We are heading to the jumper bay.'

'The jumper bay ? Really ? That's where you sleep when you can't sleep in your bed ?' She asked, while her eyebrow jumped.

'Just trust me 'Lizbeth'.

She nodded and he guided her through the corridors to the jumper bay. There, he opened the back door of his jumper and let her in.

She stared silently at the improvised bed John had made with pillows and blankets at the back of the puddle jumper. Even if the jumper bay felt really cold, the bed looked warm and fluffy like feathers, and she turned to John.

'This looks... Like a dream.' She whispered with a tender look that made his heart melt.

'Well, I hope you'll dream tonight. Come on, get settled.'

She sat down on the bed and felt no need to get into the sheets. She was too tired to do so anyway so she just layed on her back and looked at John as he stared fondly at her.

'Aren't you coming ?' She asked nervously, to break the silence.

He nodded, closed the door and kneeled next to her.

'Aren't you...afraid ?' He ruffled his hair.

She narrowed her tired eyes and smiled mischievously.

'Why, are you going to kill me ?'

He patted her cheek slowly, to let her time to stop him if she wanted.

'I don't kill on a first date.' He declared.

'This is the second one' She stated, letting him touch her.

'Oh, so this is a date...'

She chuckled and yawned again, and John stopped teasing her. He was certainly not going to take advantage of her weariness. He covered her with a blanket and settled next to her before he turned the light off. Elizabeth smiled in the dark. She felt safe in there, with John's strong body by her side, showing her tenderness she had never been shown before. And so she shifted closer to him, and circled his waist with her arm, making sure he wouldn't be able to leave her even if he wanted to.

'I'm not going anywhere 'Liz' he chuckled, as if reading her mind.

He nestled her in his arms and his lips found the sensitive skin of her neck which he kissed lightly, sending a shiver to her spine as she moaned.

'John...' She pleaded, her lips looking for his in the shadows.

He kissed her lips lightly and she moaned again out of frustration.

'You need to sleep. I'll be there in the morning, and every nightafter if you want me to, but I'm not doing this tonight okay ?'

He put a hand in her hair and kissed the top of her head as she mouthed a silent 'okay'.

Then she fell asleep in his arms once again, fulfilled, knowing she would sleep better now she had him.

He held her close, his heart beating hard in his chest. For the first time in his life, he was sleeping with a woman without having sex with her. He cared for her too much to let her be a one-night stand. He wanted her badly, but he would wait for her.

He closed his eyes. He was exhausted. He had had nightmares even since the day he had nearly killed her. And she was his cure as much as he was hers.

The End


End file.
